I was perched on the edge of the bed with my legs wide open, and he slipped off my g-string. And more than the dance, the conversation in the elevator, or anything else that happened that night, I distinctly remember him on his knees minutes later. Up until that point I’d only ever been fingered and dry humped by teenage boys, and I suppose you could say I was hopeful that things were going to get better (if you’ve ever been fingered or dry humped by a teenage boy, then you’ll understand). “But you know,” I said, “I want to try and maybe do some other stuff.” Other stuff I was ready for. From the minute I put that dress earlier in the evening some kind of energy propelled me forward. But my body was electric-I knew I wanted to be touched and to touch. In the elevator, I reiterated that I still wasn’t ready to have sex. Halfway through the dance we made our way up to the hotel room. It was all very cute and sort of ugly at the same time. I was sober and chaste, even though I dressed like a mob wife. These days a few glasses of wine and being told I look like Natalie Portman is all it takes to get me in the swing of things, but alcohol hadn’t any kind of tangible affect on my sex decisions then. He’d had sex with a few girls before me, which was exhilirating, but I distinctly remember not being ready to have sex anyway. We hadn’t been dating more than six months at the time, and I was very much a virgin. I didn’t think I was ready for sex, but I wanted to blow my boyfriend bad. But I was dead set on growing up that night. The dance was in the ballroom of a swanky hotel, and the boys had rented a couple of hotel rooms upstairs to host an after party-do you see where this is going? My parents wouldn’t let me stay the night at the boys' hotel rooms station because they had all just turned 18 and could drink legally in Australia. I know because I found them tucked away in the back of my wardrobe as well. I also had on those strappy stilettos that lace up your calf. I was dressed as if Rachel from Friends threw up all over me: a floor-length strapless gown that was ruched across the middle and pencil-thin eyebrows, translucent Christina Ricci skin, a bouffant “half-up-half-down” hairdo, and deep plum lipstick. The Catholic boys were known for being sort of bad ass, so I felt like the coolest girl in my grade for attending their dance-especially because he had a car, and did I mention the frosted tips? He was a couple of years older than I was and went to an all boys Catholic school near my stuffy private girl’s school. Of all the photos of us together, one evoked the sweetest recollections. It was also the first time I ever let a guy pour honey over my tits and lick it off. Who would have thought that at age 15, one simple request delivered as a little acronym-a/s/l-would have led me to a lifetime’s worth of firsts: the first time I met someone online, the first time I fell in love, the first time I had oral sex, and indeed the first time I had penis and vagina sex. I was obsessed with being Greek, and he was obsessed with trance music, which is how I, ^Da_LiL_MaRiA^, met him, MinistryOfSound, in an mIRC, (a service we Australians used instead of AIM) chat room for a local Melbourne radio station that had DJs with names like Alex Dyslexia who spoke perfect English with thick Mediterranean accents. We just think each of them should come with an in-depth commentary by the author, explaining what was going on in their head while creating these weird, funny stock images worthy of our list.We met online. However, we like weird stuff and we know that so do you! Hence Bored Panda has collected a mass of strange and funny stock images from sites like iStock or Shutterstock that no one will ever use, and that will definitely make you say, “WTF is this photo?”įrom a grandma teaching a group of blond children the secrets of “stab between the fingers” to a female version of Adolf Hitler peeling potatoes, the photographers behind these weird, funny photos that seem almost unreal were probably trying a bit too hard.Īnd it’s not that we don't appreciate all the work that went into producing these ridiculous stock photos. And though these weird stock photos were primarily made to be sold, it’s impossible to think anyone would choose these odd pictures even if they were given for free. There’s just something about these strange photos that makes them so distinguishable and often laughable.
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